


Death has turned your heart soft

by Close_enough_to_lose



Category: Shingeki no Kyojin | Attack on Titan
Genre: Complete, Manga Spoilers
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-03-08
Updated: 2017-01-03
Packaged: 2018-01-15 00:09:38
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 8
Words: 7,569
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/1283926
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Close_enough_to_lose/pseuds/Close_enough_to_lose
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Jean makes a promise to Marco, and ends up becoming a security blanket of sorts for the remaining members of the 104th Trainee Corps. (Contains manga spoilers as of chapter 4)</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Prologue

**Author's Note:**

> This is my first fanfiction on this site, woohoo!
> 
> It's based on this post: http://textsfromtitanfood.tumblr.com/post/75123050175/i-like-to-imagine-that-jean-is-the-security (plus a few things of my own)
> 
> Feel free to point out any mistakes, it's possible that I missed some things.
> 
> Anyway, enjoy!

It has been a few hours since Jean saw Marco's body burn among a pile of countless other soldiers. He thought that maybe, just maybe, if he went to sleep, today would be erased, forgotten. Maybe it was all a nightmare and tomorrow he will wake up to the sound of Marco's laughter, but the realist in him knew it was only wishful thinking. The realist in him was shedding tears. The realist in him tried to repress memories, knowing they would only hurt him more. To his dismay, none of this was a dream, and memories were flooding, drowning him further.

\---

_It was a night like many others. Most trainees were sound asleep after an exhausting day, only the sounds of breathing and a hushed conversation broke the silence in the barracks._

_“Hey Marco,” whispered Jean._

_“Yeah?”_

_“Have you ever thought about what might happen if we don't get in the top 10? They will send us off to die. I don't want to.”_

_“Relax, Jean. We're gonna make it to the top 10, I'm sure of it.”_

_The shorter boy let out a sigh._

_“ ... I guess you're right. But the thought of dying must have crossed your mind, at some point?”_

_“To be honest, I try to avoid thinking about it. It's useless. But if you really want to know ... I just hope that if I die, it would make a difference. I want to be remembered.”_

_“Huh.”_

_He paused for a bit._

_“But we're not gonna die, right? We'll join the Military Police together and live far from the titans.”_

_Marco chuckled softly._

_“You're right. We will. But Jean?”_

_“Yeah?”_

_“If something happens to me, can you promise me one thing?”_

_Jean hesitated for a moment, preferring not to think about such a prospect. After a little pause, he made a small grunting noise, indicating Marco to go on._

_“Don't forget me, and stay strong. I want you to make me proud.”_

_“I will. Of course I will, Marco.”_

_“Thank you, Jean.”_

_“No problem,” he replied with a yawn, his fatigue finally taking over him, his mind begging him to get rid of his morose thoughts._

\---

That memory was left forgotten, until now. _You told me you weren't going to die!_ Jean screamed at no one in particular, or rather at a very particular someone who couldn't hear him.

“I'm sorry I couldn't save you, Marco,” he whispered between two sobs.

“I won't forget you,” he said as he uselessly tried to hold back tears, as they were already streaming down his face.

“I will stay strong and try my best to make you proud.”


	2. Armin

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean hears someone cry in the middle of the night.

It's been about a month since Marco died. It's been about a month since Jean swore to keep his promise. During that time, his grief did not lessen, and he did not feel like he'd done anything to fulfil his vow. _Way to go Jean. You really think you're going to make him proud like this?_ He was deep within self-loathing thoughts, until he noticed someone sobbing from one of the beds. It was a surprise he did even react to it, as that sound had become just another part of their everyday life. _That's a really crap life we chose_ , he bitterly thought. With a small sigh, he decided to find the source of the noise. Jean soon enough found Armin, curled into ball in his bed. The brunet's face twisted into a grimace. He did not like to see the smaller boy in such a state.

“Hey, Armin, what's wrong?”

“I think I know who the Female Titan is.”

Jean raised an eyebrow.

“Knowing you, I'm pretty sure I can trust your judgement. But that's not what got you all worked up, isn't it?”

Armin shook his head.

“I just don't want to believe it,” he said almost inaudibly.

“Is it someone from the 104th?”

“Y-Yeah.”

“Would you feel better if you told me who you think it is? Or maybe how you figured it out?”

The small blond shook his head again.

“Not yet. And ... I'm afraid it might upset you.”

Jean shifted a bit closer.

“Wait, how is this about me now? I'm trying to help you out, not the other way around!” _But you're not doing a really good job, aren't you_ , he added to himself.

“It has to do with Marco's death.”

_Oh._

“... but I don't want to make any assumptions yet.”

Jean tried to push away images of Marco's corpse from him mind. _This is about Armin, not about you. You're not the only one who suffered. Right now your job is to make sure he is okay._ For a few moments the silence went on. Both boys stayed still and were lost in their individual thoughts.

“Hey Armin?”

“Yeah?”

“Don't let feelings cloud your judgement. Being afraid to hurt yourself or others won't help in our situation.”

“I know but ... It's so much harder when you find out that your enemy is human. And I don't know if any of us will be capable of fighting her.”

“I don't know about you, but after all the deaths she caused, I don't think it'll be hard to fight her, no matter her identity. If defeating her is a step forward, then I trust you, and I'm sure the others feel the same. And Armin?” 

“Yes?”

“If you ever need to talk ... I'll listen.”

The tiniest smile formed on Armin's lips. 

“Thank you, Jean. I ... I will tell Commander Erwin the identity of the Female Titan as soon as I'm certain about it,” he added.

“Goodnight, Armin”

“Night, Jean”

Jean ruffled Armin's hair as he got up from his bunk to return to his own bed. He lay there and couldn't help but think about Armin's words. _It has to do with Marco's death._ He couldn't imagine anyone among the trainees doing such a thing. He pictured again the horrified look in Marco's dead eyes. _Did you spend your last moments wondering why a friend betrayed you?_

Jean glanced towards Armin. The other boy was already asleep, his face a little more peaceful than usual. Jean was glad, and just before he himself succumbed to sleep, he repeated his promise once again.

“I'll make sure your death was not in vain, Marco.”


	3. Connie

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> When they finally learn the identity of the Female Titan, Connie does not take it well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> From the next chapter there will be manga spoilers. I don't know how often I will post these. Anyhow, I hope these are not too OOC. Again, I still hope you enjoy! ^^

So it was Annie who did it. Annie was the Female titan. Annie, who killed all those people and then refused to face them. Annie, who used all the skills she learned and the death of a comrade to hinder humanity's attack on the titans, and no one knew why. Yes, she was finally captured, but it didn't have much use, except maybe preventing further losses (which, frankly, with their luck, was not about to happen). _Why, Annie? Why did you have to do it?_ Jean thought, and soon saw he wasn't the only one asking this question.

Connie, a few steps behind him, who only just found out, was not taking the news very well.

“YOU WERE OUR FRIEND ANNIE! YOU COULD'VE ASKED FOR HELP!” he shouted into the air, pointlessly, as she was locked away in a crystal far away.

Jean approached him. And though he did not want to pass for a cold, unfeeling bastard, it didn't refrain from voicing his thoughts.

“No, she couldn't have.”

Connie slowly turned to him, glaring.

“What do you mean, she couldn't?”

“Whatever her motivations are, it's not something she could do.”

“But she was our friend! She spent three years training with us, friends don't just suddenly turn into killers with no reason!”

“That's exactly what I'm saying. That's not something you can explain. I'm not even sure she was acting on her own ...”

“She had our trust!”

“We shouldn't have given it to her, then. Do you really think that trust can stop a person from doing their mission? In fact, it only helped her, because no one wants to fight a friend.”

“That's not the point Jean. We just found out our friend is a killer and the only thing you find to say is that there was nothing to be done? Aren't you even slightly upset?!”

Connie was currently clenching his fists, and had a look of rage in his eyes similar to Eren's. Jean briefly wondered if that's what he looked like when he uselessly tried to break Annie's crystal. Annie, who instead of answering, was hiding like a coward. Annie, who probably killed Marco. Was he upset? Of course not. 

“I'm furious, Connie. But it can't change anything.”

“Aren't you scared? I mean, anyone could be an enemy and there's no way to find out. For all I know, even you could be one.”

“Well, some people _did_ tell me that I look like a criminal but I'm pretty sure I'm on your side.”

Connie chuckled slightly at Jean's poor attempt to lighten the mood.

“But seriously, Jean. Doesn't it terrify you? At first we thought we were fighting titans ... and now it turns out that there are humans involved in this too. I seriously don't know. This war seems more and more hopeless as time goes by.”

 _It was hopeless from the start_ , he thought, but then decided against voicing that. Connie did not need to hear it right now.

“I actually think we stand a chance.” _-We were doomed to die-_ “We've got Mikasa and Levi with us. They're the greatest soldiers alive.” _-Even they can get injured-_ “Commander Erwin and Armin both think a few steps ahead of everyone, they probably got something planned.” _-Yet most of our missions ended up as failures-_ “And if Eren gets a hang of his Titan-shifter abilities then we might just make it.” _-Ha! Good luck on that one. Really Jean. You no longer sound like yourself._

To his surprise, Jean saw Connie relax a little bit.

“Wow, who would've thought that you, of all people, will tell me that we can win this war.”

“Gee, thanks. Am I that bad?” _You don't even believe in your own words._

“Yep. You are. But it doesn't mean I don't appreciate your effort.”

“What?”

“I'm thanking you, dumbass. I mean, if you really think we can do this, then I believe it.”

“I, uh, thanks I guess...”

“No problem, man,” Connie replied as he lightly punched Jean's shoulder and walked away.

 _Oh man, I am a horrible person,_ Jean scolded himself. _I gave him hope when there is none. What even pushed you do it it anyway?_ He then saw Connie, in the distance, chatting with Sasha and looking a bit happier than before. He then understood. Since he joined the Scouting Legion, without even knowing, he had made it his goal to protect his friends. _You used to be so selfish, Jean. What happened?_ Even if it means neglecting his own doubts and feelings. _You're broken, Jean._ The sight of Connie feeling better made him happier in a way too. _You're lying to yourself._ And Jean swore to be strong, this time not only for Marco's sake, but for his comrades' sakes too.


	4. Sasha

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> After the events at Castle Utgard, Jean stumbles upon Sasha brooding

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Manga spoilers from now on! You have been warned. Sasha really took a level of awesomeness in the manga, I had to write her. I don't know how often I will update, but I do have a bit of the next chapter written down already. Anyhow, enjoy! And feel free to point out any mistakes.

The last few days were the longest they've ever known. There was barely any time to catch a break: as soon as one mission was over, something else was bound to happen. And each time they found themselves in a more intricate web of lies and questions. _Titans are possibly human, two of our friends were traitors all along, Ymir is also a shifter and Krista Lenz is actually Historia Reiss. What's next?_ All this information was a bit too much for Jean to grasp all at once, so he decided to go clear his head outside. Not so far from him, he saw Sasha sitting on the grass alone, as Connie was being interrogated.

“I'm surprised I didn't see you in the kitchen earlier,” Jean called, tone playful. “I saw some potatoes lying around.”

“Shut up, Jean. That's because I already took something before you even got the chance to get there.”

She smiled, but it did not reach her eyes. Jean sat beside her.

“You okay, Sash?”

“Do you want some bread?”

Sasha took out a loaf of bread, tore it in half and gave a piece to Jean. He accepted it and for a while they both ate in silence. As he finished his portion, he opened his mouth to say something but Sasha just handed him another piece of bread. _Where does she even hide all of this,_ he wondered for a brief moment, before her voice interrupted his thoughts.

“You really need to eat, Jean. You look terrible.”

“Not before you tell me what's on your mind. You don't look much better.”

She sighed.

“Fine. But you're going to eat after that.”

“Okay mom. So ... what's wrong?”

She did not speak immediately. Instead, she tore at the grass beneath her, and for a while played with it. Jean did not push her.

“I guess the same as everyone else,” she finally said. “It looks like all the people from that village got turned into Titans for no apparent reason. The things we kill and fear are humans. It's not the first time I've faced them, but I'm still terrified, and - ”

“Wait a second — You faced them today? Without your manoeuvre gear?”

“Well ... there was a Titan near a little girl. I had a bow and a few arrows, so I blinded the Titan to buy her time so she could escape. So I guess ... yeah?”

Jean's jaw dropped in amazement. He'd known she was from Dauper, a small hunting village, but never really took the time to reflect upon that fact. Sasha's unique but simple personality overshadowed her amazing instincts and useful skills. There was a good reason she made it to the top 10, and Jean mentally scolded himself for forgetting that. While he contemplated his newfound admiration, Sasha's voice rose again.

“Anyway, that's not my point. They were humans, Jean. Maybe for us it doesn't mean much, but that's not the case for everyone. I'm not even that worried about myself. I worry about Connie. He lost his family to the titans, but in a way we would've never imagined. That's what upsets me.”

“Oh.”

There was nothing else Jean could say. He wasn't very close to his family, and the one time they were in danger, they were quickly evacuated with the rest of the civilians from Trost. He wondered if losing family was similar to the loss of a friend. If that was the case, then he could definitely empathize with Connie. The pain and horror must be overwhelming.

“Well, I'm glad he has you then,” he said as he snapped out of his reverie.

“Huh?”

“It's a good thing you managed to distract that Titan with only a bow and arrows, because Connie needs you right now and I don't think he could do with another loss right now.” _And neither could I._

Sasha tilted her head, scrutinizing him with her big brown eyes. She then started giggling. _Seriously?_

“What did I say wrong?”

Jean threw her a confused glance. After a while, she managed to compose herself.

“It's so weird hearing you talk like this. You're not one for pep talks or whatever.”

“Well, I, uh” _How very articulate._

“You're really crap at it, actually.”

“I appreciate your honesty.”

“You better.”

They sat in comfortable silence for a while. Sasha seemed more relaxed than earlier. Jean smiled to himself. He was glad.

“By the way,” she suddenly chirped in, “I actually like your crap pep talks.”

“Glad to be of service.” 

“But really, thank you, Jean. For trying to help.”

She then pulled him into a hug. Jean was taken by surprise, but did not complain. It was comfortable. And warm. He pulled her closer. He hadn't realised how much he missed that kind of affection. He thought back to the last time someone held him like that. He thought back to a freckled face he will never see again. _You told me you would never let go!_ He squeezed his eyes shut, pushing away those memories and holding tight to what he has now. He thought back to a promise he made. _I haven't done anything to fulfil it. I'm sorry._ He hung on tighter.

“Jean! You promised me you would eat your bread once I told you what's wrong,” Sasha's sudden outburst rang in his ears. She broke off the embrace and handed him the little piece of bread.

“Sorry, I almost forgot,” he said as he accepted it.

“You should head to bed Jean. You look tired. I'm going to stay outside for a bit more.”

“Okay,” he managed to articulate between two mouthfuls of bread. “Bye, Sash.”

She waved goodbye at him, smile reaching her earnest eyes this time. He waved back until she was out of his sight. As he was heading to the barracks, he let his thoughts stray again. Maybe he couldn't keep a promise he made to a dead friend, but he would give his everything to make sure that the rest of his friends stay alive. Jean glanced one last time towards Sasha's direction, and felt more determined than ever to keep his word.


	5. Historia

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Historia also has trouble sleeping

The events that took place in Castle Utgard and afterwards affected all of the soldiers, on different levels. The remaining members of the 104th Trainee Corps had an especially hard time accepting that it was two of their own who caused so many deaths fives years ago and once again in Trost. Not to mention than Ymir ran with the traitors too — which affected Krista the most. No, not Krista, Historia. _I really need to get used to this._ So finding her wandering in the corridor during one of his sleepless nights was not a surprise.

“Hey Historia.” It felt strange on his tongue.

“Hi Jean.” She didn't turn to greet him. “What are you doing up so late?”

“Can't sleep. What about you?”

“I guess I can say the same thing. I'm worried about Ymir.”

“I'm sure she will be fine,” he automatically replies. _Wait, what?! That's not the kind of thing you usually say._

“She's an enemy to them, Jean. Don't say that kind of thing just to comfort me.”

_Well._

“I don't know what got to me,” he replies. “That optimistic crap is not my kind of thing.”

“Has anybody told you that you act different since a while?”

Historia carefully, innocently phrased it, as if the change was gradual, as if it happened for no apparent reason. But they both knew it happened on an exact moment, after the breach in Trost was sealed. _Oh no, you're not bringing this up. No way in hell. I'm not going to have a conversation about feelings._

“We've all been affected by this war in some way. You seem down since Ymir left too.”

“How else are you supposed to feel when someone you love is gone? She left me. And I don't know if it was to betray me or save me.”

“I wouldn't know. How to feel, I mean.”

“You would know, Jean, you too have lost someone you loved.”

_Damn you and your too observant nature._ He sighed. _I guess I am going to have this conversation after all._

“You go on,” he said. “You stay strong, soldier on, and carry on with your mission, whatever it is. I don't think Ymir would like to see you like this.”

She cast her eyes down.

“Then I guess I'm doing this wrong...”

“Why do you think so?”

“If she's with Reiner and Bertolt, then she's our enemy, right? If that's so, then I have no will to fight for humanity. I have no will to fight at all, even though I swore to offer my heart for humanity. I might become an enemy to you, if that's the price I have to pay to see Ymir. I know it's selfish, but ... if there's one thing she taught me, it's that I have to live for myself.”

“I'm the last person who would judge you for being selfish, Historia.”

“Would you be capable of facing Ymir, Reiner, Bertolt or myself if the situation presents itself?”

Jean reflected upon that. He promised to the charred bones he once held in his hand that he will side with humanity, that he'll make them proud. _No matter who the enemy is._

“Yes. I have a mission, and I will carry it through at any cost.”

“I'd be scared to be your enemy then.”

“Glad to hear that. But hey, Historia?”

“Yes?”

“Ymir didn't do anything against humanity yet. There's a chance she might be back among our ranks, if we see her again.”

“Don't give me that. You're just trying to make me feel better.”

“I really mean it, Historia. If there's one person cunning enough to survive this, it's her. Besides, she's much more useful as an ally to us, from a strategical point of view.”

She still seemed skeptical, but something about Jean's determination made the crease between her delicate eyebrows ease.

“We have already lost too much, there's no point in losing another potential asset,” he pressed.

“You really believe so?”

“If I'm wrong, then our world is shittier than I originally thought.”

She gave a little smile despite herself.

“Let's hope it isn't.”

Historia yawned and stretched. Unwilling to let the conversation drag longer, she straightened herself and said:

“Well, I think I'll be going to sleep. Goodnight, Jean.”

“Goodnight”

Jean watched her leave and gradually disappear. He decided to head back to the bunks too, despite the fact that sleep seemed to be avoiding him lately. He lay in his bed and closed his eyes. It was not him hoping to doze off by some kind of miracle. It was him praying, for the first of his life, to some unknown force.

_If anyone can hear this, for once, let the world be a good place. There has been too much loss already. Don't let her go though what I've gone through. Let Historia find Ymir._

And for a split second, before sleep finally did catch up with him, he thought he heard someone reply.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Sorry updating took so long! I had a bunch of stuff to do these last weeks. Hopefully the next chapters will take less time. As always, I hope you liked it and feedback is very appreciated.


	6. Eren

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean wakes up in the middle of the night again, wonders if Eren went to pee, things ensue.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> What's that? A new chapter? Already? 
> 
> DON'T TRUST THE CHAPTER SUMMARY this chapter is actually feelsy. I tried my hand at writing Jean and Eren interactions. I feel like despite everything, they do care about each other.
> 
> Anyway, I won't hold you back much longer, I hope you enjoy this chapter!

If someone told Jean three years ago that he would be holding and comforting a crying Eren in his arms, he wouldn't have believed it. His face would've twisted in the most horrifying grimace as he mocked the poor soul who tried to break the news. Yet here he was. Whispering soothingly as the other boy silently sobbed into his chest. _What has my life become_ , Jean inwardly cursed, but couldn't really get angry with Eren when he was in this state. _I guess this is what I get for wandering aimlessly during the night._

\---

Jean was getting even less sleep than usual these past few days. Most nights he would wake up with a jolt, covered in cold sweat, not sure if the streaks of salty water on his cheeks were tears or perspiration. This night wasn't an exception.

He looked around, making sure he woke no one else. _Goddamn nightmares._ To his surprise, he noticed an empty bunk, Eren's. Eren was usually the soundest sleeper among them, although he did move around a lot. _That's strange. Maybe he went to pee or something._

Deciding that there was no use to be staying in bed, Jean went to look for Eren. He heard some noise and followed it. Surprisingly, it led him outside. _Did he actually go to pee...?_ There he saw the shorter boy standing, eyes dull, gaze wandering... _And not peeing. Thank god._

“What's wrong with you?” Jean immediately asked, not bothering to greet the other beforehand.

“I'm tired, Jean.”

“That would be because you're supposed to be sleeping right now.”

“Stop the smartass act, you know what I meant.”

“No I don't.” _If I'm not getting any sleep,_ Jean told himself, _then I might as well have a bit of fun._ Eren sighed.

“I'm tired of the titan-shifting, the bits of memories that keep appearing and disappearing and... I don't think I can do this anymore”

The words didn't wake any compassion in Jean, if that was Eren's goal. Instead, they sparked anger. _Don't give me that shit now, bastard._

“What makes you think any of us are less tired than you?” he retorted. “Maybe we're not titan-shifters, but we're soldiers like you. We went and still go through hell, all of us.” 

“I know. I know.” he murmured. “It's just that lately I've been having a hard time finding the will to fight. And with everyone hoping that I might somehow be the solution to all of this ... my motivation is slowly dying down.”

“You're not allowed to lose your motivation,” Jean simply stated.

“What?!”

“I said you can't lose your motivation! Most of us joined the Scouting Legion because we followed you, your determination! You can't be allowed to lose what drove us here in the first place.”

That was all it took to anger Eren. His eyes almost burned with rage, the moonlight highlighting them and giving them an unusual gleam. Jean braced himself for what was about to happen. _Oh well, at least he's a bit more like his usual self._

“Well what the hell do you want me to do then?!” Eren yelled.

“Oh, I don't know, how about stop complaining and focus on the task ahead maybe?!?!” 

“Easier said than done! Do you really think I'm not trying?! Maybe if you could get your head out of your ass, then you would understand that I can't just keep my head up and pretend nothing is wrong! Not after my mother died, after our comrades fell, or after Reiner and Bertold betrayed us.”

“You have to!” Now Jean was seriously losing his patience.

“DID YOU FUCKING LISTEN TO WHAT I JUST TOLD YOU?!”

“My ears are functional enough to hear your yelling, yes.”

“THEN WHY WON'T YOU UNDERSTAND?”

“MAYBE BECAUSE YOU ACT LIKE A SELF-CENTERED PRICK, AND YOU DON'T SEEM TO GET THAT YOU'RE NOT THE ONLY ONE WHO LOST SOMEONE YOU LOVED DURING THIS GODDAMNED WAR!!!”

For a moment silence fell. The only sound that reached their ears was the wind's moaning. No one dared speaking up for some time.

“Who did you lose, Jean?” Eren said, trying to collect himself. “The only thing you seemed to care about was —”

Jean's glare cut him off abruptly. It was now his eyes that were burning with anger, the moonlight only giving them more intensity. The shorter boy was trying to recall events from the last few years. Then it hit him.

“Oh,” he barely whispered.

“Yes.”

“I didn't realize you lo-”

“Neither did he.”

“Jean, I ... I'm sorry, I didn't mean to, I swear! I —”

“It's fine Eren.”

“But! ”

“I said it's fine!” He didn't mean to sound so harsh. _My anger issues are just as bad as Yeager's. Can I sink any lower?_ “And ... I'm sorry for yelling at you too. I shouldn't have said that.”

“It's okay.”

Another pause. The wind was still whistling and for a while both boys watched the leaves that were carried away.

“I get what you mean, Jean,” Eren said after a while. “It's just that sometimes, I get so blinded by anger, and I'm powered by revenge and hatred, and I ... ”

He looked down, fists clenched.

“Go on, Eren,” Jean encouraged. "Talk."

“I forget how much I miss my mom, I forget through how much we all went together in our training years, and when I have no power to be angry any more, so I ... I -”

Eren's voice cracked. He started shaking, his eyes were getting watery. He fell to his knees, and it didn't take long before he broke into sobs. Jean, at loss as to what he should do, hesitantly approached him and wrapped his arms around his comrade. Eren might be a brat sometimes, but despite the constant bickering and the fights, he still cared for him. And he would never let anyone he cares about cry alone.

“It, it hu ... hurts, J-Jean...”

“I know, Eren. I know.”

He buried his nose into Jean's chest.

“I-I ... want my m-mother back...”

“You know I can't give you that.”

Eren sniffled into Jean's shirt. _Gross._ He waited for his sobs to die down a bit before speaking once again.

“How do you cope?” Eren asked.

“Not as well as you might think.” He smiled a bit, even though he knew Eren couldn't see it.

“Do you think the dead are watching over us?”

“I ... don't know. I'd like to think so. It makes things a bit easier.”

“Then I hope Marco sees you right now.”

“Huh?”

“Nevermind.”

Jean broke the hug, backed off a bit and eyed Eren, questionning.

“What do you mean?”

“Go to sleep Jean,” retorted Eren as he rose. “That's what I'm going to do and you should follow my brilliant example.”

Jean used his arms to propel himself up and rose as well. “Come on, tell me!”

“Nope!” Eren shouted as he ran back to the barracks.

“Don't yell, you'll wake the others, dumbass!”

“You're yelling too!”

“Tell me dammit!”

“Nuh-uh!”

“I'm going to tell Mikasa about this!”

“Boohoo, I'm so scared.”

They finally made it do the beds. As Jean was covering himself with his blanket, he spotted Eren pretending to sleep already. _Idiot._ He hoped the boy felt a bit better, but dared not to ask if it was the case. He closed his eyes and kept replaying his words in his head. _“I hope Marco sees you right now.”_ He did not ask about that either. He figured Eren won't tell no matter how much he insists.

_Well, whatever the hell he meant, Marco, I really do hope that you're here_

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Two chapters left to go! Woohoo! I don't know when I'll write and post them though. As always, if you notice any mistakes or just want to add a comment, feel free to do so!


	7. Mikasa

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Jean is not the only sleepless one among the members of the 104th Trainee Corps

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> After years of inactivity, I decided to finish this chapter. Hopefully I will post the final chapter soon. I know the manga developped a lot since last time, but hopefully the lack of clear temporal order still makes this enjoyable ^^

_Blood. Stench. Screams. Severed limbs were falling from the sky. He could barely make sense of what was happening, but he did not need to look. It was a titan. His heart beat frantically against his chest. Dead comrades. Shock. Confusion. Panic. Helplessness. He tried to scream as he was falling into a giant mouth. No sound._

_“HELP ME”_

_The words were stuck in his throat, never to be heard._

Jean woke from yet another nightmare, livid and shaking. _Calm down. You're alive. Breathe._ He looked around him, just to make sure he really was safe in the barracks, among his comrades.  _Armin, Connie, Eren ... they're safe. Good._ Despite the fact that he made sure everything was fine, he was still trembling and cold. He got out of his bed and walked carefully, making sure not to wake anybody. It was almost routine. He walked towards the kitchen, hoping he’d find something that will help him calm down. As he was walking down the corridor he noticed a light coming from the kitchen. Jean swore to himself and hoped it wasn't one of his superiors. He didn't want them to see him in such a state. He carefully approached the room and glanced inside to see Mikasa inside. _Shit. What should I do?_ Luckily, he didn't have to decide, as the floors creaked at that exact moment, causing Mikasa to turn and discover Jean behind the doorframe.

 

“Yes?” she said.

 

“I... uh, woke up and ate to go.”

 

Mikasa raised an eyebrow. Jean hit himself mentally.

 

“I mean, I woke up and went to the kitchen to eat. I thought eating something would help me. Sorry for that, still sleepy.”

 

“I was making some tea. Would you like some?”

 

“Yeah, thanks.”

 

Mikasa’s calm demeanour helped Jean to retrieve his calm. She was just as beautiful as when he first saw her. And though he got over his infatuation with her, his admiration for her never faded. She was strong and she gave him hope. The way she fought gave them a chance against the titans. A slim chance, but it was hope nevertheless. Her obsession with Eren, on another hand, was something he did not understand until quite recently. Armin told him not so long ago about how they met. Since that day, thinking about his rivalry with Eren made him feel embarrassed.

 

“Uh, so, what are you doing up at this hour of the night?” he said in attempt to break the silence.

 

“I’m making tea.”

 

_Ha. Ha._

 

“I meant other than that.”

 

“Couldn’t sleep.”

 

“Well, that’s something we have in common.”

 

Mikasa sighed, a sympathetic expression appearing on her usually stoic face.

 

“I can hear you walking down the corridors at night regularly. The other night I heard you going up after Eren too.”

 

“I wasn’t going up _after_ Eren! I couldn’t sleep and Eren was _there_!” Jean corrected a bit too hastily.

 

Mikasa rolled her eyes, but her smile remained.

 

“So, uh, what’s keeping you up at night all the time?” Jean asked as an attempt to move the conversation somewhere else, as he did not want to think about Eren at the moment.

 

Mikasa cast her eyes down, and her smile faded.

 

“Eren.”

 

Jeans attempt to steer the conversation away from the boy was unsuccessful. _Well shit, I guess I have to waste more of my precious time thinking about the guy._

“What about Eren?” Jean asked.

 

“I worry about him.”

 

“In your place I wouldn’t. The guy is a hotheaded dumbass and he still managed to survive up until this point …”                                                                                     

 

“I would prefer it if you didn’t joke about this”

 

Mikasa’s tone was flat, but she was angrily glaring at Jean.

 

“Sorry about that.  I thought cracking a joke would lift your spirits a bit … guess I was wrong.”

 

“He saved my life. I can’t joke about that. And I promised myself I would protect him. Now with the whole titan-shifting situation, I don’t know if I can keep protecting him … and it scares me.”

 

Hearing these words, Jean felt apprehensive. His conversations with Mikasa were usually limited to some greeting, and on special occasions, military matters. He only managed to see the surface of her feelings from this interaction, yet his view of her as a stoic, fearless person was instantly shattered into pieces. Mikasa, the strongest of the 104th Trainee Corps, was vulnerable after all. _What does that make of me?_

 

“Hey … if he saved your life, then he must be strong, no? And that was a few years back. Plus, he’s so stubborn, he would even argue with Death, and maybe give it a good beating too if it tries to lay a finger on him.”

 

Whether it was from the mental image of Eren annoying Death to, well, death, or from Jean’s poor but earnest attempt to reassure her, Mikasa’s smile returned to her lips.

 

“Thank you.”

 

The heart-to-heart was over. Mikasa did feel gratitude, but her tone indicated that she would not bare any more of her soul to Jean. He understood, and wordlessly poured himself some tea.

 

“Hey,” she called as he was finishing his tea.

 

“Yeah?”

 

“I appreciate you caring for Eren that other night.” _I am glad to know other people will help me protect him_ , she seemed to say.

 

“No problem. I’m going back to bed. Goodnight, Mikasa.”

 

“Goodnight, Jean”

 

As he lay in his bed, he replayed his conversation with Mikasa in his mind. Before he realized it, his mind drifted to Marco. _I wasn’t able to protect you. Mikasa, do you really think you can protect someone if you are determined enough?_ The chance of them surviving was almost nil. But he still promised himself he will protect Eren as well. He will not let Mikasa go through the same pain. _I will keep my promise_ , he thought, not knowing if he was talking to himself, or trying to reach his dead friend.


	8. Jean

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> Sometimes, Jean also needs support.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Finally, last chapter! It turned out to be the longest too.
> 
> It has been a while since I've read SNK, and I haven't caught up. Forgive me if there are any temporal inconsistencies, or if it feels a bit out of character. I tried my best.
> 
> Thank you for reading up until here, it's truly appreciated, especially since it's my first completed long fic ^.^

It was one of the rare uneventful days for the lower ranking members of the Scouting Legion. They just came back from a mission, and they had a day off in order to recover, while the superior officers were filling out paperwork and planning their next move.  It was the calm before the storm, for most soldiers anyway.

 

Jean could not stand the calm. It made his mind wander into places he'd rather not think about. For Jean, the calm _was_ the storm. In battle, he only thought about following orders and surviving. However, when he was left to his own devices, his mind had ample time to remind him of each corpse he saw, each fear he felt, each hope that died. Being alone was a battlefield of its own. Only this battlefield was inescapable. It stayed with him at all time. He tried to escape it in his sleep, but to no avail; nightmares would come to him every night. He could not remember the last time he slept peacefully. When he was awake, it was no better: his conscious mind was just as ruthless as his dreams.

 

It would start with an intrusive thought. _What if we mess up the next mission?_ Then all his worries would surface. _The right flank is vulnerable in the proposed formation. We are low on equipment. If the titans destroy our supplies, it still means we’re dead._ Then he would think about his own death. _Will I have my head bitten off quick and clean, and die almost painlessly? Will I be torn limb by limb, and suffer while I bleed out on the ground? Will I pass out from shock and not feel a thing? Or will I survive and remain alone, then kill myself instead, because I no longer see a purpose to all this suffering?_ Finally, his thoughts would turn to those who have already died. _Marco, am I a coward for wanting to end it all on my own? Am I a coward if I decide my promise to you is too hard to keep?_

He heard someone going up the stairs to the barracks, where he was. _Fuck. It’s not the time to panic_. He went to his bed, and pretended to sleep. The last thing he wanted was to be seen in this state. He heard the door creak as it opened.

 

“Hey, Jean? Are you okay? I heard you pacing from downstairs.”

 

Jean pretended not to hear Armin. Maybe he will go away if he gets ignored.

 

“Jean, don’t pretend you’re sleeping. You breathe too fast for someone who is asleep, and you are too stiff for someone who is having a nightmare, which you usually have.”

 

 _Damn you Armin and your observation skills._ Jean kept ignoring his friend.

 

“Fine. I will leave you alone if you wish so.”

 

“No! Please stay …”

 

Jean did not know what came over him. He never begged like this, and he sure as hell did not like to seem vulnerable in front of others.

 

Armin sat on the bed next to Jean, who remained with his back turned to the other. _Well, at least it’s not Eren._ Out of all the remaining members of the 104 th Trainee Corps, Armin was the one he trusted most. And yet, he could not bring himself to open up about his emotions to him. The only person to whom he could entrust his heart was dead.

 

“Jean, is it because …

 It’s been two months exactly, right?”

 

Jean turned to Armin. His blue eyes seemed to pierce into his soul and read his mind. He could not bare that gaze any longer. He did not want to cry. He turned away, but he could not hold back. Before he knew it, he burst into tears. Armin hesitantly put his hand on Jean’s shoulder. He sat silently as he waited for Jean’s tears to subside.

 

“You know, it’s okay to cry sometimes”

 

Jean shook his head. _No._

 

“Why do you think so?”

 

“I made a promise. I said I will be strong. I told him… I told Marco that if he dies, I will be strong. I wanted, he wanted me to make him proud. Look at me Armin, is this anything to be proud of?”

 

“Jean –“

 

“What ‘Jean’? Look at me Armin, look me in the eye and try to tell me you would be proud of … this.”

 

Jean was gesturing and pointing to his face. He was sobbing.

 

“Jean, look at me.”

 

Jean opened his eyes. Armin held his gaze, accepting the challenge.

 

“If I was Marco, I _would_ be proud of you.”

 

Jean was taken aback.

 

“… How so?”

 

“You’ve survived this far. And you were there for the others as well.”

 

“What do you mean?”

 

“I meant what I said. You provide us with emotional support. You might not know it but … when I started suspecting Annie, do you remember that? The fact that you were there, it made me more confident. You helped me take the next step, and it’s thanks to you that I decided to tell Commander Erwin.”

 

Jean cast his eyes down _. Did I really help, or is he bullshitting me?_ He never thought his words could have that much power. And he did not believe it. In the situation Armin brought up, Jean felt like Armin was trying to protect him, not the other way around.

 

“It’s bull, Armin. His death turned me into the unstable mess that you see now, there’s no strength in that.”

 

Armin sighed, but not from exasperation. It was a sad sigh. It hurt him to see that Jean did not realize how he inspired his comrades.

 

“Okay. You can say that death has turned your heart soft, that’s true. But soft is not fragile. Jean …  We’ve all lost friends and family. We are all broken in some way. But you keep fighting. And you help us keep fighting, because your words are inspiring. We believe in you, because we know we can trust you.”

 

“Don’t use ‘we’ Armin. Okay, fine, I might have helped you back then. But don’t talk in the place of others.”

 

Armin opened his mouth to reply, but instead, someone else spoke:

 

“Fine Jean. Armin won’t speak for others. But I can tell you, you did help me too.”

 

It was Connie. Behind him, he also saw Historia, Eren, Mikasa, and Sasha.

 

“What …? You guys, what are you all doing here?” Jean asked.

 

“I sensed that Armin took too long to get you out of bed, so I thought we should check on you. Besides, you were missing out on food, and I couldn’t let that slide as if it was nothing,” Sasha replied.

 

“I only went after Armin,” Eren huffed, feigning nonchalance.

 

“I followed Eren,” Mikasa added.

 

“I followed the rest because I didn’t want to be the only one in the kitchen,” Historia chimed in.

 

“Wow, Jean sure must feel appreciated,” Connie said sarcastically.

 

Jean did not know who to focus on. He also felt embarrassed, given that six people were currently seeing him in this vulnerable state.

 

“… So, how long have you all been here?” he asked.

 

“Just around when Armin was talking about the time you helped him out. You know he isn’t the only one who feels you’ve helped out. Connie just told you he feels that way too. And I too, appreciate your shitty pep talks,” Sasha said. She grinned at Jean.

 

“So I’m not the only one who feels Jean’s pep talks are bad,” Historia quietly added. “… they were still encouraging, though.”

 

“Tell me about it,” Eren added. “But the guy does have a heart after all.”

 

“You all know I’m in front of you, right?”

 

Outwardly, Jean might have been sarcastic, but his comrades’ own sarcastic jabs made him feel better.

 

“We really appreciate you, Jean.”

 

These words were Mikasa’s. Jean did not expect her, out of everyone else, to say these words.

 

“You care, and this will make you a great leader,” she continued.

 

“You guys … you don’t have to. You don’t have to be nice to me just because I am in this state. You don’t need, I don’t want you to fuss over me, it’s not …”

 

Once more, hot tears were streaming down his cheeks. _Fuck it. Fuck it if they see me cry. I don’t care anymore._

 He felt his bed creak. Connie sat beside Armin. Sasha hastily joined.

 

“Jean …” she said.

 

_What? Is she going to make fun of me?_

 

“Group hug?”

 

Sasha smiled. Jean nodded. Historia, Mikasa and Eren came over to the bed as well. For a long time, all of the remaining members of the 104th Trainee Squad embraced.

 

“Thank you,” Jean whispered.

 

“Thank _you_ ,” Armin replied. The others nodded in agreement.

 

\---

 

The next night, Jean pondered over his comrades’ words _. Soft is not fragile. Huh_. He was not sure if he understood or agreed. _You care, and this will make you a great leader_. He remembered Marco telling him something similar in the past. _If I was Marco, I would be proud of you._ He did not know if he should believe these words.

_Marco, are you proud?_

_Did I keep my promise?_

That night, sleep came to him a bit easier. It was a rare night without nightmares. In his sleep, he only repeated the same two questions.

 

_Are you proud?_

_Did I keep my promise, Marco?_

 

There was a warm air current brushing against Jean’s cheek. The wind whispered. In his dream, he felt a presence. He did not need to ask. He knew.

 

_Marco._

_Thank you._

The air grew warmer still.

 

The wind subsided.

 

_No, Jean._

_Thank you._

THE END


End file.
